This week, we wrap up our list of tips inspired by the Love and Logic parenting course, led by our Concordia counselors. Through this course, we hope to equip parents with applicable skills that they can use with their kids which will create a happier climate at home as well as how they can maximize the potential of their kids, says ES Counselor Ben Fishman.
Love and Logic Parenting Tips Part Two
Avoiding Power Struggles
One of the most powerful strategies for avoiding power struggles involves giving choices within limits. It’s all about sharing control. We can either share control by giving small choices…or wait for our kids to argue with us on more serious issues and decisions. Choices within limits are most effective when we remember to follow these guidelines:
- For each choice give two options, each of which are ok with you. For example, “Do you want to do your homework now or in fifteen minutes?”
- Give choices before your child gets resistant. If you give them afterward, you reward resistance.
- For each choice, give them no longer than 10 seconds to choose.
- If they don’t choose, or they choose an option you didn’t provide, choose for them.
- Only give choices that fit your value system.
- Give choices when things are going well.
- When things aren’t going well, say, “You’ve been getting to make a lot of choices around here. Now it’s my turn.”
Putting an End to Arguing and Backtalk
Experiment with repeating the same loving Love and Logic “one-liner,” regardless of what your child says. The key, of course, is to maintain a soft, empathetic tone of voice. Listed below are some commonly used Love and Logic examples:
- “I love you too much to argue.”
- “Probably so.”
- “I know.”
- “I bet it feels that way.”
- “What do you think you’re going to do?”
- “I don’t know. What do you think?”
Grades
There’s no doubt that grades are important indicators of student knowledge and academic growth. Because they are so important, many parents also feel pressure to make sure their kids are successful and may display anger and frustration when their kids get poor grades. When this happens, kids may spend more energy thinking about their parents’ beliefs about grades rather than doing their personal best and focus on the love of learning. Listed below are some suggestions for responding to poor grades:
- Spend most of your energy commenting on the good grades. The key is to help your child feel good about what they do well and encourage them to work harder at what they don’t do well or which classes may take more time, effort, and dedication to be successful.
- Display sadness over the bad grades. "The good news is that we are going to love you regardless of how well or poorly you do in school.”
- Ask questions about the bad grades like “What are your thoughts about the grade?” or “Do you have any plan to deal with the subject?” or “What sort of help can we give you on this?”
- If consequences for poor grades aren’t motivating your child to do their work, stop providing them. When this occurs, it means that there are other issues that need to be dealt with first. These include helping your child develop a better self-concept, teaching them responsibility, helping them with learning challenges and experiment with different learning styles, etc.
- Love and Logic believe that good character is more important for life-long success than good grades.
